I’ve wanted to write this blog for a while now, but every time I sit in front my of computer the words don’t seem to come. I couldn’t seem to get what I was feeling and thinking on the page. But, I’m dedicated to do it this time. Instead of staring at a blank screen for hours, or constantly re-writing the same sentence over and over and over again; I’m going to try and put my thoughts on the page.
Okay, here goes. If you know me personally over the last 20 years of my life you would know I have struggled with weight for the entirety of it. I was an overweight child, morbidly obese really – there is no other way to put it. I was the fat kid, but I changed. When I was a teenager I decided to change, I lost weight and on the surface that was it. I was a changed woman. I looked different, felt different. A little happy ending for a plethora of years of ridicule and teasing. But it didn’t end there.
Losing the weight was easy. God, was it easy. I starved myself, gym-ed like an addict looking for a hit, ignored people around me and hated myself to push myself further. The year it took to lose the 60kg was a piece of cake (even though I shuddered at the thought of going anywhere near cake during that year). Sometimes I wish I could go back to then, I had control then… Nothing like the rolling, circling chaos that is me now.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll do a little disclaimer here** Never do I wish to go back to the weight I was three years ago, my life is so much better these days; I’m living in Europe, I have a loving boyfriend and my family love me. I just wish that my weight loss journey turned out differently.
If you’re someone that has gone through dramatic weight loss, or you have seen it happen before you, or ever seen it on the telly, you will know that is changes a body. One way it changes it is the loose skin. All the skin that you needed before in your larger body is no longer needed in this new smaller one. But it doesn’t go away overnight, nor may it ever (without professional help of course). This is what I have struggled with.
I’m so proud of what I have achieved, on my own no less (shout out to those that supported me though – you guys rock!), and I want to be happy with my body, but when you look down and see layers upon layers of loose skin that moves all over the place you get disheartened. My arms jiggle, thighs wobble and my stomach is basically a ironing board of screwed up laundry waiting to be ironed. I’ve become a human attraction. I’m not naïve, I see the people in the street starring at my arms (don’t worry, I stare at them too). Yes, they have way too much skin there, that’s why it hangs that way. You’ll never see me in a tight dress or top, I’ve got my own insulation over my stomach with my skin keeping me warm.
I hate it so much – but it lets me know how far I’ve come. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t stress about my excess skin. Who is looking at it? Can people see it in what I’m wearing? What do they think of me?
I’m going to have to live with this reminder of my past for a long time. Like a scar that just wont fade, or a bad memory that you can’t forget. I can’t run from my skin, but, gosh do I wish I could.
It may not seem bad to many, but to me it is a reminder what I was, what I went through, and how far I pushed my body for a ‘perfection’ I would never reach. It was a hard, desperate time I’d rather lay to rest. I need this part of my life done and dusted. Close to book and put in on the shelf. I’m sharing these photos to show that a weight loss journey doesn’t always end after you stop exercising and dieting. It can go on for years and years. Haunting you every day. But one day it will end, and I can’t wait for that day. The chapter finally closed with a full stop.
*** I just want to say, thank you to everyone that read this. This has been something in my head for a very long time. I don’t know why I’ve wanted to get it on paper, showing the photos. I guess I want people to realise that my skin is the reason why I don’t like talking about my weight loss anymore. Because for me, my journey isn’t over, even though to the outside world it looks like it is. Thank you to everyone that supported me throughout my weight loss and those that continue to support and love me, you guys are the real champions.
With love and support, Liz <3