I have always been scared of being happy. If I was happy something could go wrong, something would come and destroy me. Being happy made me vulnerable, made me open to hurt. I shut myself off from being happy. Told myself it was for the best and lived ‘contently’ in my black void I called life.
If anyone had told me three months ago that I could ever feel ‘happy’, I would have laughed at them. Happy was so far-fetched. For someone that loved English and words, ‘happy’ was no longer in my vocabulary.
I lived in a haze, and most days I went to bed at night not remembering what I had done or whom I had talked too. I never imagined of the future as I never saw myself in it and dreamed in dramatics as I never thought I would have a life to dream in. When I hit twenty I wanted to celebrate because I never imagined myself getting this ‘old’.
But happy can be such a forgiving word. It has taken me in and forgiven me for all those years of shutting it out. It has embraced me with open arms. And all I had to do was open my mind.
I never believed those that told me that once I opened my mind to those around me and admitted to myself that I was worthy of help, that I would get better. Living with depression had made me lonely. I fought for everyone that wasn’t me. I gave so much to others and forgot to give anything to me.
Getting happy was not an easy journey, but once I opened the gates, happiness flowed in and this is how I did it: 1) I removed stressors from my life. If something was a ‘trigger’ or made me unhappy for any reason, I removed it from my life. Posters that made me sad were taken down, people that made me feel bad about myself were removed from my circle, or worries were dealt with accordingly and not left to fester.
2) I started to plan a future. As I never believed I had a future, when I imagine life were I lived, the world started to look a little brighter. Metaphorical dark clouds lifted and life didn’t seem too bleak.
3) I did things that revolved around me. Living so long trying to please others and not let anyone down takes its toll. You forget that your life is actually ‘yours’. I never did things that pleased me. I was always worried that my actions would disappoint others. When I started living for me I learnt that life was beautiful. I started doing things that made me happy, refused to do anything that made me anxious or sad, and became self-aware.
4) I did things that scared me. I was scared I would never go overseas, so I have planned a five month trip to Europe. I was scared of getting the job I craved, so I applied. I was scared I wasn’t good enough, so I did things that reassured me that I was. I proved to myself that even though I was scared I could power through. The things that scare you the most and the things that are worth it.
Four little rules have made me so much better. I am now at a point in my life were I am happy. And I’m not scared of that. If something comes to dampen my day, I will pass it.
I haven’t wrote this to seek sympathy or empathy, but to reach out to those who are scared of being happy and trapped in a state of depression that it is possible. Three months ago I was suicidal and didn’t see the beauty in life, but now I am happy and planning a future where I AM in it. So if you are someone that feels this way, please know that it can get better. There is light at the end of the void and that light is life. If you know anyone that feels this way, show them that life is worth living. Don’t be a stressor, help them plan a future, let them be selfish and focus on them and never let them feel alone.
Being in a time where life doesn’t seem so glum and the light doesn’t hurt the eyes is nice, and I can see a future. The “H” word has never been less scary.