WHY I WRITE WHILE DEPRESSED

Depression is a funny illness. Some days you can’t get out of bed, get dressed and remember to feed yourself. It feels like all the happiness and light has been sucked from the world. That nothing will ever get better, that nothing you do will ever matter and make a difference.

Sometimes I want to blame all of life’s bad things on my depression. It would be so easy. If anything goes wrong I could just say it’s the depression.

One thing I can blame on my depression though is my writing. And I’m proud of that.

Being proud of depression is weird. It’s something people usually fight against. Something that lots are people are medicated against to live a ‘perfect’ life. But I’ve found that when I am in my most depressive times, that’s when my writing becomes magic.

I have always been a writer. It’s something I cannot remember NOT doing. But it has never been something I have been in a good mood while doing. I don’t write happy stories, I never have and I doubt that I ever will. I like to think it’s because my mind is a scary place and those stories are natural to me. Their home.

I write while sad. I write while angry. I write while mi

sunderstood and frustrated. This is the time where the best stories seem to come alive. Out of all the anger, sadness and frustration for the world makes the best base of a story. For me that is.

I have tried writing while being on a high of life. When my depression takes a back stage seat on the performance that is my life. And I have never been more disgusted at the work that comes from my head onto the keyboard.

I’m not trying to say that I like my depression. It ruins me in the most brutal, repulsive ways. But in it my work flourishes and I don’t know why. Maybe because I have a morbid fascination for things that should scare me. Maybe I’m too fascinated in things that usually make people cry. Maybe not. I do not know. Nor, do I think I want to.

I only write while depressed. It is my outlet. My love for writing comes from the need for release for my own mind. I want my depression gone, but I’m worried my writing will leave with it.

The day I write a happy story is a day I fear and cannot wait for. For I know I will be finally healthy.

But if it is the cost of losing my writing. I don’t know if it is worth it.

#depression #mentalillness