A Vicious Cycle of Self-Hatred and Starvation

Weight loss is an amazing thing, but it is a journey that must be taken alone. Yes, there are the people that help you through the hard yards; the gym buddies, the supporters and the doctors. But losing weight changes a person, usually for the better. Your health increases as the numbers on the scale decrease. For the first 6-8 months of my weight loss experience, it was a positive one. For the past 6-8 though, I have fought more obstacles than I thought I would need to.

This isn’t a story about how I lost to weight and am learning to keep it off. Nor one about keeping an apple ready for snacking when you’d rather reach for the chocolate. No, this is one about a vicious cycle of self-hatred and starvation.

So, here are some of the things I have learnt over the past year.

1.Barriers are meant to be broken! Let’s start with the positives. In the past 12 months I have achieved more than I ever thought possible. I’m now wearing clothes that showcase my figure, going out into public more, and competed in a marathon (something that surprised me more than anything). These are some of the things that I never thought I would be able to do, things that I never thought I’d ever be comfortable doing. But here I am, 12 months later and 65kg down, doing all these things. I guess it just goes to prove that barriers, the physical and the ones you have in your mind, may be hard to break, but it is possible and all you need is determination.

2. I didn’t hate myself before I lost weight: This is where things get a little tricker. I was always the ‘heavy’ girl growing up and I learnt to accept that. I looked in the mirror and saw me. My own person, my own perception of myself looked back at me and I was content. I knew I wasn’t on a great road to perfect health but I was taking my chances. ​I was told to lose weight, and not one to back down from a challenge, I took it upon myself to lose as much weight as I could.

3. Even though I may not look it, I am still the same person:

I may have changed in appearance but underneath my exterior, I am still me. I haven’t changed. I have the same personality as I did a year ago. It’s just that some don’t seem to see that anymore. All people see if my success, not the work, determination and heartache that has gone into it.

4. My body image isn’t perfect: The more and more I lost weight, the more I expected to love my new look. But it seemed to work the other way. The more I lost the more I saw my imperfections. I noticed my stretch marks, lose skin and appearance imperfections more than ever. Every time I look in the mirror I still see the girl I used to be. I don’t see this ‘skinny’ person that others seem to see walking down the street. This has been one of the hardest the deal with. When you get told not to lose more before you become unhealthy but you still see an overweight person in the mirror it becomes impossible to listen to those others. Instead of accepting your new body, you drag yourself to the gym for an intense workout, skip a meal and tell the world you’re okay.

The more I lost weight and my physical health increased and decreased in certain areas, my mental health decreased drastically. The more I lost the more preoccupied with food and exercise I became. My mental health become a twisted place of self-hatred, obsession and depression. When all people see is your body you become to think that is all you are worth. I became to believe that I WAS my weight loss. You no longer know who you are. I didn’t recognise myself in the mirror anymore, I didn’t know how to act in my new body. I no longer felt like me, I hadn’t changed in all the ways that mattered. But for some reason I didn’t know me anymore. Looking in the mirror felt like looking at a familiar stranger.

5.Your body becomes public display is ways you’d never expect: It’s proven that praise and attention leads to further success. My weight loss was no exception to this. After losing weight, not enough that I was happy, I started to receive praise for my efforts. This attention drove me to go harder at the gym, eat less and strive for greatness. My body was on display in a way I wasn’t comfortable with. People no longer wanted to talk to me about common things or things that mattered, all people wanted to discuss was my weight loss. How have you done it? How much have you lost? What do you weight now? All these personal questions are ones I’ve had to dodge. Everyone seems to want a piece of your success. Something this personal, how your body is on public display, drives a person to look at themselves. Really look at themselves and know it’s time to continue with this journey. This is where I would say my weight loss started going darkest.

6. The more I looked for control, the more out of control everything became: I put myself of a rigorous diet. I stopped eating sugar, diary and excess carbohydrates. I was at the gym at least five days a week for 1 ½ hours each time. Some days I would feel so bad about my appearance and weight that I would go twice a day and exercise before bed. I had set rules for food. I eat three times a day, no more no less. Eat nothing that I couldn’t burn off during the day, etc. At the beginning and from the outside, my rules with food may seem healthy as they contributed to my weight loss, but they started to damage my physical and mental health. I was, and still am, obsessed with food. I meal plan at night, think about the exercise that will be used to counteract the calories. I follow these rules every day, but slowly have been learning that these are becoming unrealistic. I am unhealthy on the inside. I’m nutritionally deprived, live through starvation, push through lethargic times and watch my hair fall out and nails peel away.

7. My journey is now a part of me and I can’t change that: My story, as far as I know, is different to others that have lost weight. Losing weight is usually a positive one, where people learn to love who they see in the mirror. But mine has been one of mental illness, self-hatred and depression.

I’m telling my story so others will know that not all weight loss is positive. I’m not physically healthy or unhealthy, but I know I am mentally unhealthy at the moment. Before I can learn to fully accept my new self in my new found body, I must first learn how to love myself as a whole. I can’t go back to the person I was a year ago and nor do I want too. I have learnt too much in this short year about myself and the world. I don’t love myself and I don’t know if I ever will, and at the moment I can be content with that.

I’ve had to seek help for my weight loss. Unhealthy obsessions are never good, and I had the help to spot mine before I could do real damage to myself. I still struggle with my weight loss, which is why this isn’t a typical ‘everyone can do it’ positive, transformation picture laden weight loss post. I would never wish anyone to go through the kind of self-hatred I have/am going through.

I’ve shared my story in the hope that maybe someone can help themselves or someone before it is too late. Catch those unhealthy obsessions before they grow into giant monsters that twist your head. Weight loss is scary enough without having to go down the road I have. If I’ve learnt anything through tackling this myself and with the help of therapy is that you ARE worthy of help. Help is out there. There is always someone out there to talk to. You ARE NOT alone.

<3 xx